Fart Offsets
If you’re a guy, you know how much you fart. And these days, we’re sure you worry about the amount of greenhouse gases your emissions represent. Now, though, you can proudly say “My farts are carbon-neutral”, when you’ve bought. . . Fart Offsets!
Yes, now YOU can be an environmentally-responsible citizen of the world, and assure that the atmospheric carbon burden represented by your trouser coughs are truly carbon-neutral, assuring that you need feel NO GUILT from laying one down wherever you may be!
That’s right, now FART OFFSETS offers you the chance to purchase GENUINE CARBON CREDITS which we have dedicated to the most direct impact a human has on the amount of greenhouse gases loaded into the atmosphere on a daily, even hourly basis.
“Good Ideas Gone Bad” is proud to offer our readers a way that they can help the environment in a VERY PERSONAL MANNER:
These certificates represent genuine carbon offsets, purchased in quantity from a reputable dealer in carbon, who split their focus between wind energy projects, farming and biomass projects, and industrial efficiency projects. Their projects are audited by the non-profit Center for Resource Solutions, creator of the “Green-e” program, and the country’s leading authority on renewable energy certification. These audits verify our purchases and help to ensure transparency and accountability. So, when your latest air biscuit causes comment, you can quite rightly respond with “Yes, but it’s entirely carbon neutral, thanks to my FART OFFSETS!” That’ll show ‘em!
On average, a person produces about half-liter of personal emissions per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. This amount is taken into consideration when using most carbon footprint calculators. Some days, however, you know that the butt yodeling has taken on a life of its own. Too many taint rippers, and the underwear lions could have more of an impact on the environment than originally calculated.
To cover the wide, wide range of impacts which may be felt (or smelt, naturally), “Good Ideas Gone Bad” offers you three different levels of “Personal Emission Offset” certificates, otherwise known as FART OFFSETS:
Our “Little Toot” certificate is for those who live such an upright, wholesome life, that they are responsible for far less than the average amount of personal emissions. The “Little Toot” certificate grants you five pounds of carbon to offset your occasional, obviously unconcious and unintended lapses of dignity and self-control, leaving you, like a champion steeplechase rider, with a faultless seat and a clean concience.
So, you’re a normal human, with normal physical processes and a desire to do something about the state of the world. We’ve designed our “Paint Peeler” fart offset for you. The “Paint Peeler” gives you 10 pounds of carbon to offset your personal emissions - now you can feel great about the occasional blast, ’cause your “Paint Peelers” are carbon-neutral!
For every measurable trait, there exists a range of quality and quantity. Many are near the mean, some are below, and then there are those of heroic stature at the far edge of the curve, forging new territory and setting the bar for the rest of us to marvel at and strive for. It is for those magnificent few that we have created that ultimate FART OFFSET certificate, the 20-pound “Taint Ripper”! If the “Voice of the Toothless One” is a constant back drop for your day, if your butt yodeling calls mountain goats down to your door, if you are able to rise from your chair without using your legs - the “Taint Ripper” is for you!
